


Infestation

by cerulean1990



Category: Before Crisis: Final Fantasy VII, Compilation of Final Fantasy VII, Crisis Core: Final Fantasy VII, Final Fantasy VII
Genre: Action/Adventure, Comedy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-17
Updated: 2020-06-17
Packaged: 2021-03-04 02:35:22
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,069
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24776257
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cerulean1990/pseuds/cerulean1990
Summary: The Turks handle all sorts of odd jobs, but what happens when the enemy is already inside? What happens when Cissnei has to deal with an insect infestation in the Shinra building? What happens when you add a reluctant Turk and a hyperactive SOLDIER to her party? A short comedy on the weirder missions SOLDIERs and Turks have to deal with.
Kudos: 9





	Infestation

**Author's Note:**

> Special thanks to fellow writer kelleyj17, who agreed to beta this story dangerously near the Remake's release date!  
> Crossposted at FFN
> 
> Enjoy!

"Jake? Remind me again. Why did we enlist in SOLDIER?"

"Well, Chad: if I recall correctly, we did it to get laid by as many chicks as we wanted."

"Huh. I thought so…"

The SOLDIERs remained silent for a few seconds. Their transport helicopter was approaching Midgar after a rather unsuccessful mission in Gongaga. Chad continued:

"So… How many have we actually been with since becoming 3rds?"

"None. Zero. Nada." Jake said with undirected annoyance in his voice.

"I thought so, too."

"Croak."

"Kevin, we've told you bro: we don't understand when you are a frog," Chad said.

"Croak," Kevin said, disheartened.

"Dude… He is like that because you were not watching his back!"

"Oh come on! Don't start with that again!"

"All I'm saying is that Kevin was supposed to take center-front but _you_ decided to break formation to play hero and-"

"Dude, sometimes you have to improvise to in order to-"

"Croak!" Kevin said, gesturing at his own amphibian body.

"Ah, shut up! All I'm saying is…"

The pilot sighed and turned off his communications with the passengers. He regretted pulling that prank on the air marshal all those months ago because since then, he was always being deployed specifically to transport what everyone at Shinra called 'the bruh squad'. This meant deploy trips filled with toilet humor, childish pranks and talks of parties with strippers, and return trips rife with complaints about another near-fail mission and backstabbing accusations. The team would always return under confusion, poison or some other status effect, covered in gore and/or filth, chased by angry mobs, naked or a combination of several of those. This particular squad had damaged and consumed so many uniforms, equipment, vehicles, property, materia and resources that they were effectively paying the company to work, because the discounts to their paychecks were so vast they had hit negative numbers.

"This is SEC-073, transporting SOLDIER squad 74 from Gongaga. Requesting permission to land, over."

After a few brief static-laden seconds, the control tower responded: "This is Shinra control tower 2. You are clear to land on pad number five. Proceed to hangar three for decontamination, over."

"Decontamination? What for!? … … … Over."

"Well, you are carrying 'the bruh squad', and that tends to be a bit messy so just to be sure…"

"I get it, I get it… Keep Maiden's Kiss at hand. Over and out."

After landing and towing the helicopter to the inside of the hangar, the SOLDIERs were de-frogged as needed, pressure-hose-washed and decontaminated under the watchful eyes of a couple Turks. The cleaning team then moved to check the helicopter's cabin. After a quick visual assessment, they concluded there was nothing there that posed a chemical, radiological or biological hazard.

The pilot left the hangar and the dripping-wet SOLDIERs made their way to the showers. The Turks received the safety report and left. The cleaning crew decided to leave the helicopter's cleaning for next Monday. After everyone left and the lights were turned off, an unsuspected fifth passenger left the aircraft: a vile creature known to kill many a year. A monster unlike any other of the mako-mutated beings that roamed the wilderness. A remnant of creation so dreadful the very noise it made threw people into a frenzy: a mosquito.

Under any other circumstance, this egg-loaded insect would have been dealt with using one's hand, but now, it had received a nutritious meal of mako-enhanced blood accompanied by a cocktail of several different mutated hormones. Using newly-found mako-enhanced senses and its primordial instincts, the mosquito went on to find water in order to complete its life cycle.

* * *

**Three days later**

* * *

"What is _that_!?" Scarlet asked, horrified.

"You are not paying attention! I was saying this is the concept for a new space shuttle that will-"

"Not the rocket! THAT!" The woman in red exclaimed while pointing her perfectly manicured nails at the wall.

The Shinra heads of department turned to see the thing in question.

"It's just a bug, no big deal. Now, as I was saying," Palmer continued.

"Good Gaia, it's flying!" Scarlet yelled, standing up and backing away from the meeting table.

"Look, if you don't want to cough up some funding for the new and improved Space and Aeronautics program then-OH SHIVA! It's on me! Get it off! Get it OFF!" Palmer yelled in a high-pitched voice.

Heidegger and Reeve stood up and began hitting the other man with papers, folders and the odd stapler.

"Oh! It's stinging! It hurts! It hurts so much!" Palmer yelled in agony.

"Stop moving! We can't even see it!" Heidegger yelled while hitting his co-worker violently with the palms of his huge hands. Reeve was at it too, except that for him, the beating also served a certain cathartic purpose.

The President had walked around their meeting desk and was running to the door, followed closely by Scarlet. Just before they opened it, a red-haired Turk entered the chaotic office, alerted by the multitude of yells that were occurring in the otherwise silent meetings.

"What the-!?"

"Shoot it!" Scarlet yelled.

"Um… Who?" Reno asked while scanning the office. Arguably, the heads of department that were assaulting the other man were a viable choice, but just this once, he wanted to be extra sure before pulling the trigger and offing a Shinra bigwig.

"The bug!"

"Really? That doesn't call for a gun, yo!" The Turk scoffed while walking lazily to the commotion, "all ya need is a roll of newsp-holy shit! Look at the size of that thing!" Reno proceeded to drop the papers he was rolling, extend his metal rod and join the beating. At that point, Reeve had produced a stuffed cat doll from somewhere in his pockets and was actively hitting Palmer with it.

"Professor, for the last time: kidnapping the Ancient girl will not get us any closer to–Reno what on Gaia-!?" Chief Verdot, head of the Turks, had just entered the room with Hojo. Both men stopped in their tracks and looked in shock at the manslaughter-like scene unfolding.

"I got it! I got it!" Heidegger said as he swatted the assaulting creature. Reno wasted no time and zapped the insect, leaving a burn stain on the carpet.

"Explain yourself Reno!" The otherwise always-calm chief yelled at his subordinate while reaching to help Palmer up.

"What? She asked me to, yo!"

"Wha–assault Palmer!?"

"There was a bug!" Scarlet said defensively.

"That doesn't call for-"

"Ah! Interesting!" Professor Hojo exclaimed.

Everyone else ignored Palmer – whose face was grotesquely bruised – and turned to see the scientist, who was busy adjusting his glasses to examine up close the insect between his bony fingers.

"Is there something you'd like to share with us Hojo?" President Shinra asked.

"Yes, we may need to lock down the building and deploy troopers," Hojo said nonchalantly.

"What? Why does a bug warrant a lockdown!?" Heidegger inquired at the obvious over-stepping of the professor's authority.

"Well, because this is what mako technicians call a 'makosquito'," Hojo said ominously. This merely prompted strange looks from the rest of the committee.

"That literally sounds like something you just made up," Scarlet said with a dismissive wave of her hand.

"Did I now? What we have here is a prime example of the miracle of mako-enhancing: a mosquito that has preyed on a SOLDIER's blood! It will grow larger, breed faster and…"

"Sting harder," Palmer interjected.

"What in Ifrit's hell!?" Scarlet exclaimed at the sight of Palmer's arm, which had swollen so much it now threatened to rip open the man's suit by the seams.

"Bet it itches worser," Reno said.

"Actually-wait what?" Hojo asked, looking at Reno with a disgusted face.

"You know. 'Itch'. That you have to scratch, yo?"

"Not that! 'Worser'! That word is incorrect!"

"Professor, let's stick to the matter at hand," Veld interrupted before the conversation got too sidetracked. "How do we deal with these things?"

"Well, they're bugs. You swat them or something," Hojo said like it was the most obvious thing to do. Arguably it was, but given the commotion a single one of the creatures had caused, it stood to reason 'swatting it' may have been way too easy.

"Then what's the big deal with them!? Why would we need to lock down?" Heidegger pressed on.

"They travel in groups. And it only takes a few dozen to suck a person's blood dry. And mako makes them breed faster," Hojo said. He then sank into deep contemplation and began muttering to himself: "come to think of it, we don't know what would happen if a first-generation makosquito feeds on an enhanced individual again. Will it mutate further?" Hojo went on in his mind: _"What if they feed on_ Her _cells? How would that translate into the Reunion theory?"_ The possibilities made Hojo's scientific itch beg for a scratch.

"Kyaa hah ha! No need to wonder!" Scarlet interrupted with a laugh that tried to conceal her nervousness. "I'll tell you what will happen: nothing! Because security will not let this pest get out of hand! Either way, I won't be around to see it!" Scarlet grabbed her designer's handbag and jumped off her high heels, "Chief Verdot, call me when it's all sorted out!" That said, she sprinted out of the office and presumably, the building. The men in the office looked at the door with puzzled faces.

"Well, that's that," Verdot said. "Reno, call medical services and have Palmer sent to the hospital wing. After that, report to the office. We need to deal with this as soon as possible."

"Sir!"

"Wait a minute! Wait a Gaia-damned minute, Verdot!" Heidegger exploded. "Why do you think the Turks will be able to handle this situation? We have SOLDIER and all of the infantrymen to handle it!"

"As professor Hojo said, getting those things near more enhanced people will only get us into more trouble. I'd rather have regular people handling pest control in the building before any of the mosquitoes-"

"- _makosquitoes_ ," Hojo corrected.

"- _whatevers_ , escape into Midgar."

"But! President, Sir! Will you allow this insubordination?" Heidegger exclaimed. The Turks may deal with internal security, but they were still under his command.

"Chief Verdot has a point. Putting SOLDIERs out there may complicate things further."

"Thank you for your understanding," the head Turk conceded.

"You have three hours. After that, Heidegger can deploy SOLDIERs."

"What!?"

"We cannot have the public find out we are being backed against the wall by a bug! That would be a PR nightmare!"

Verdot bit his tongue before offering further logical rebuttals that may endanger the little sway he had obtained.

"Very well, I'll have my agents begin at once."

* * *

"Hell no!"

"Excuse me?" Verdot blinked in disbelief at the act of insubordination.

"I'm not going to be fed to mosquitoes. I hate the damn things," Freyra said, disgusted, while cleaning her shotgun.

"Well, unfortunately for you, that was not a request. That was an _order_ ," Verdot said.

"But I hate bugs!" Freyra said not unlike a child throwing a tantrum. "I left Mideel to escape the heat and the bugs!"

"You'll be alright, Cissnei is going with you," the chief said, pointing at the other Turk.

"Fine! But I'm calling dibs on the Fire materia!" Freyra said, dashing to their inventory cabinet before any of the other Turks had the same idea.

The agents moved out as soon as areas to comb were designated and equipment was handed out. The mission was simple: destroy the nest and all insects before Heidegger's pride got the best of him and sent in SOLDIERs.

Maybe as a little bit of consideration for Freyra's dislike for insects, she and Cissnei were tasked with the upper floors. According to Hojo's dossier, they were meant to find any body of water that would go undisturbed for several days. This meant checking flowerpots, trash bins, coffee machines, every toilet in every bathroom and even the large water dispensers, as little sense as that made.

"We've been at this for hours!" Freyra complained to the heavy load on her shoulders.

"Be thankful we have not run into more than a few insects," Cissnei said while checking a ventilation shaft. A quick cast of low-level fire spells had done the trick quickly and without waste. Cissnei jumped down from atop Freyra's shoulders and activated the radio of her PHS.

"Team 3 here, we've completed inspection of floor 63, over."

After a few seconds of static an answer came:

" _This is Dashing Redhead. Natty Baldy and I have completed floor 37, over, yo._ "

"Reno… Please don't," Cissnei said with a sigh.

" _This is Cool Ravenette. Me and Spiky Redhead are checking Human Resources, over._ "

"Spiky Redhead _and I_ , over. Mind your grammar… … Over," Freyra had pulled her own PHS and began arguing with her partners.

" _Copy that Cranky Ponytail, over and out._ " Communication was not interrupted before some giggles came through. Freyra realized all too late she had been played.

"That son of a-!"

"Stop that and focus!" Cissnei chastised before her partner had time to begin arguing over the PHS again.

At that moment, a larger swarm of insects turned around the corner and began flying towards them. Quick casting of basic elements and Freyra's trusty shotgun made quick paste out of the makosquitoes.

"I think we may be getting closer now. We should ask the others for support," Freyra said, poking a downed bug with her boot.

"You are probably right. The storage rooms in this floor are always filled to the brim with junk that-"

"What was that?"

"I didn't hear anything."

"Well, of course you're not going to hear anything if you are still talking!"

"I'm not talking!"

Something shuffled inside one of the storage rooms.

"See! There it is!" Freyra readied her shotgun and aimed at a door blocked by a large flowerpot. "What the-?"

"Why is that there?" Cissnei asked.

"Do you reckon the bugs moved it?"

"Wha-no! How are the mosquitoes-!"

" _-_ makosquitoes."

" _Whatevers_ , gonna move that?"

"Well, for all we know about them…" Freyra said, and she wasn't wrong, either: Hojo had been more concerned with finding his insect nets in the lab than on writing down more information about the insects.

"Tsk. Just help me check inside."

After the Turks moved the flower pot out of the way, they adopted battle positions: Freyra aimed her shotgun while Cissnei turned the knob and pushed the door in. The women were greeted by a dark-haired man halfway through eating a cookie from a large box.

"Zack?" Cissnei asked in surprise.

"Please don't tell Sephiroth!"

"Wh-what are you doing here!?" She asked while scanning the dark storage room filled with unused desks, office supplies and for some reason, packs of cookies, pastries and other sweet treats. Zack swallowed and began:

"I wanted a cookie! Want some?" He offered to the Turks. Freyra accepted and began munching at the triple-chocolate confections.

"I understand wanting a cookie, but why come to a storage room in a desolate area in the building and _why_ hide it from Sephiroth?"

"Ah, well. You see," he inhaled deeply, "Tanya – she's my PR manager, by the way, no chemistry whatsoever between us – is very strict as to what I can eat, so I'm not allowed to have junk food because I could get fat or 'Gaia forbid' a zit," Zack said, making air quotes. He swallowed and went on: "I see her once a week and whenever she is not having my armpits waxed or eyebrows shaped, she is losing her mind about the 'sickening amounts of sugars I eat', so, she forbade me to have cookies! She even gave me carrot sticks to munch like I'm a rabbit! Can you believe that?"

"Sounds like a bitch to me," Freyra said, reaching for another treat from what now appeared to be Zack's private stash.

"She waxes your eyebrows?" Cissnei asked. Years of experience in data extraction were still not enough to help her put together a coherent narrative whenever Zack spoke.

"No, shape my eyebrows and wax my armpits. Don't judge! It comes with the SOLDIER 1st package! I'm supposed to look 'boyish' and 'youthful' for the fans. Like, like…"

"A twink?" Freyra said with a lopsided grin.

"Twinky? Oh, yeah! I have some there, help yourself!" Zack said with an innocent smile. Freyra suppressed a chuckle while thinking she would kill for her work to include a free manicure once in a while.

"And you come here to eat dessert?" Cissnei said, not daring to bring to his attention that at least one box of the sugary confections had a line of diligent ants walking back and forth with bits of its contents.

"Yeah! I mean," Zack gulped, "it's not like SOLDIERs get fat! Our met-met-meta-" Zack cut himself off for a moment and went on with the word in silence, as to double-check he was going to pronounce it right, "me-ta-bo-lism is way faster than anyone else's!"

"It sure is!" Freyra said, picking up a pack of Twinkies from the desk.

"I still don't know what Sephiroth has to do with any of this," Cissnei asked and then discreetly elbowed her partner to take note of the ant infestation. Freyra dropped the cakes in disgust.

"Ah. He scolds me when I don't follow Tanya's instructions because she complains to Heidegger and then he complains with Sephiroth and he complains with me about the candy AND about having to complain about candy."

Cissnei clicked her tongue. "Charming. Well, gotta go. We are in the middle of a mission!"

"Really? Well, fear not!" Zack stuffed the rest of the cookie in his mouth and proclaimed, mouth half full: "I'll escort you so that you don't have to go alone!"

"What? No! This is… Um… Classified! Turks only!"

"Come on Ciss! If it were as classified as you say it is, you would've walked away without saying anything!"

"You _do_ do that," Freyra snickered.

"Heh. Doodoo," Zack chuckled.

"Ramuh, give me strength," Cisssnei said to herself. "Sorry Zack, we cannot bring you. There's an infestation in the building and we have to get rid of it _before_ you or any other SOLDIERs are deployed!"

"Come on _Ciss_!" Freyra said cheerfully at the moniker. "Where else are we gonna find a twink escort at this hour?"

"Freyra! We can't have him around! If one of those–shit! Move!" Cissnei pushed her partner out of the way as a swarm of makosquitoes zoomed in through the door.

"Ah crap! What are these!?" Zack said while swatting wildly.

Maneuvering with the finesse of a surgeon, Cissnei spun and turned her oversized shuriken to slay the insects while in the air. When the ordeal was complete, she turned around completely before noticing Zack and Freyra had taken refuge behind a desk.

"Way to go Ciss!" the SOLDIER cheered. "Now, let's find the rest and dispose of them!"

"For Minerva's sake! You can't go! Who knows what will happen if you get stung!"

"A mosquito will do no harm! I'm a SOLDIER 1st Class and–AH CRAP!" Zack yelled as a makosquito pierced the knit turtleneck of his uniform with ease and began sucking the blood from his back at an astounding rate. Before Freyra was able to smash the insect with the stock of her shotgun, the insect had time to fly up and stand upside-down on the ceiling.

There, before their very eyes, the creature began mutating into a grotesque being with several pairs of wings, legs that ended in all-too-obvious claws and a pulsating, viscous-looking abdomen.

"Well, fuck that!" Freyra said before directing her shotgun at the insect and blasting it out of existence. Chunks of ceiling and dust rained down on all of them.

"What the hell was that!? Ouch, that hurts!" Zack said while rubbing his back.

"That is why you are not coming!" Cissnei looked upward to see if the creature had been effectively destroyed. "Those things mutate as soon as they feast on SOLDIER blood! The last thing we need right now is–where are you going!?"

"To destroy the nest! I can't let those things run around in good conscience!" Zack said, dashing out of his hideout.

"Are you not listening to me at all!?" Cissnei said in an unusually raised tone of voice while practically jogging behind the SOLDIER.

"But Cissnei! People may get hurt! Or worse – if whatever Tanya says is right – get bites in their face!"

"True that!"

"You are _not_ helping, Freyra! And Zack, where the hell are you going!?"

"Well…" Zack stopped suddenly, and the Turks both ran into his back, miraculously not cutting themselves with the Buster Sword. "We have to find a nest, right? And if I recall correctly, mosquitoes breed on water. So, my guess is the pool!"

"The pool?"

"Wait, there's a pool!?" Freyra said.

Zack began walking again and chatting cheerfully: "yeah, it's right behind the gym area, there's a bar and all!"

"A bar?" Cissnei asked, trying to figure out how a pool fit in the building's floor plan.

"Yeah, Scarlet had it built and is usually there herself, sipping Cosmos and making small talk with the SOLDIERs. I've never used the pool, though. I hate chlorine in my eyes and she insists you have to wear this really, like _really_ skimpy white speedo."

"What!" Freyra bemoaned. "Why do we not have access to it!? Why don't Turks get PR managers or free waxing or secret eye-candy pool access or, or…"

"Incoming!" Zack reached for his sword and swung it forward into guard position. Cissnei and Freyra barely managed to dodge the oversized weapon in the enclosed hallway. Just as swiftly, Zack dashed forward to encounter a group of about a dozen makosquitoes.

He then began to swing his sword madly, scratching the walls, ceiling and floor, but without actually managing to hit any of the insects with the sharp edge of his weapon.

"What are you doing? Just cast something! Anything will-!" Freyra yelled before being stopped by Cissnei, who was shaking her head, tacitly telling her to not try to find any logic in the SOLDIER's train of thought.

After some sweaty minutes of grunting, cursing and panting, courtesy of Zack's wild workout, he managed to split the last makosquito in half.

"Phew… That was… Oh my… I'm exhausted… This huge thing is hard to move in such a tiny place…" Zack said between erratic breaths.

Freyra barely suppressed a chuckle, "It's just too damn easy, Cissnei."

"Please, don't…" Cissnei said.

After making their way up to the gym floor, encountering more and more insects as they went on, Zack turned around a back corridor and walked towards a door previously unnoticed by any of the Turks.

"This is the pool entrance… Let me just find… My pool keycard…" Zack said, systematically tapping the pockets of his pants looking for his wallet.

"We should call for backup," Freyra said, reloading her shotgun.

Cissnei pulled out her PHS and pressed the radio button: "this is Cissnei. Reno, Ruluf. Do you copy?"

" _Na-ah, ya have to use th'code name, over."_

"Ruluf, now is really not the time to…"

"Listen you two! We may have found the nest, so get your sorry asses over to the gym floor!… … Over!" Freyra yelled into the radio of her own PHS.

" _Yo, take it easy! We're on our way,"_ Reno said.

"Found it!" Zack said.

"All right," Cissnei began, "we should check our equipment and materia before-"

The door slid open with a pneumatic sound.

"Zack!" Cissnei chastised.

"Oh shit!" Freyra yelled at the nightmarish sight in front of them.

Hundreds of makosquitoes were flying about the area. The pool itself was a pit dyed black by the thousands of larvae swimming in the water. They even seemed to have developed the ability to leap out of it like fish. And at the back of the room, at the end of an unexpected evolutionary pathway was a large queen, laying eggs like there was no tomorrow and assisted by what appeared to be a large court of workers and an army of blood-sucking soldiers.

"I'm gonna throw up…" Freyra said ominously.

"Save it! We have to kill that thing!"

"I'll deal with the ones in the pool!" Zack said while preparing his sword pointlessly.

"Oh for the love of-! _Thundaga_!" Cissnei cast and a bolt of lightning cracked through the air and into the water where it spread like shining roots of death, piercing larva after larva, making the water bubble with electrolytic dissociation and leaving the air spiced with ozone.

One by one, the dead creatures floated to the surface, where they began leaking gooey juices into the already polluted water.

That only seemed to infuriate the queen and troupe of assisting bugs, which immediately turned accusingly to the redhead. The makosquitoes adopted a battle formation not unlike that one of an air force squad and moved towards Cissnei, proboscises ready for blood-sucking.

Shotgun blasts, shuriken throwing and the odd pointless sword-swinging began cutting the insects down. Freyra made good use of the fire materia, conjuring balls of flame that engulfed entire masses of bugs, leaving nothing but charred remains behind. Cissnei used the Lighting materia to pierce through as many insects as possible, leaving shriveled bodies in her wake. Zack eventually realized hitting with the broad side of his sword was more effective than trying to use the thin edge side.

However, every time they tried to get close to the queen a new wave of her soldiers appeared through the ventilation shafts and forced the Turks and SOLDIER back.

Finally, backup arrived.

"Yo, what the hell!?" Reno said from the door.

"I know, right! We have a pool!" Ruluf, a dark-haired Turk exclaimed.

"Quit yapping and help!" Cissnei yelled after noticing her lighting spell was coming weaker and weaker every time.

"Ah, right on it! Rude!" a third redhead Turk with unkempt red hair yelled.

Behind them, taking slow, heavy steps due to the full body armor and large metal equipment, Rude walked in with a flamethrower.

"Back down, things are about to get… Heated…" He said.

"Dude, that the best you came up with?" Ruluf said.

"I can't even see out of this thing and you expect me to-!?" Rude's muffled voice came from the foggy Plexiglass face-shield.

"Yo, you have a frickin flamethrower! All you had to do was deliver a kick-ass line and-"

"Renoooo!" Freyra yelled while walking backwards to the bar along with Cissnei, having resorted to using the stock of her empty shotgun as a blunt weapon.

"Fine! Give them hell pal!" Reno said while Rude took an accidental, decisive step forward into the pool and promptly sank to the bottom under the weight of all the equipment.

"… … … Well, fuck," Reno said.

"Are you kidding me!?" Freyra yelled while helping Cissnei prepare makeshift Molotov cocktails with whatever they could find in the bar.

"Hey, guys? We're gonna need a Phoenix Down," Ruluf said after noticing no more bubbles were coming up from Rude's current position.

"All right! It's my turn now!" Zack said decisively. He twirled his sword towards his back and began focusing his strength on a red materia slotted in his arm bracer.

"Zack! Don't summon in an enclosed space!" Cissnei yelled while shaking a toxic concoction of liquid insecticide and the cheapest rum available there. Freyra had even added some lemon peels.

But it was too late. After a few seconds of ominous, wild bubbling at the center of the pool, Leviathan manifested in the room and created a torrential waterfall that overkilled the makosquito queen, albeit at the cost of flooding the entire floor.

* * *

"Mission accomplished!" a dripping-wet Zack said with a salute to Heidegger and Verdot, who were astonished at the amount of damage. Pieces of doused, broken-down equipment could be found three floors down. The chief Turk leaned sideways a bit, and saw two of his agents pushing Rude's legs towards his chest to purge the water out of his lungs while a third awaited with a shiny feather on her hands.

"Wha–what on Gaia happened here!?" For once, President Shinra had descended from his office and found himself in the middle of a gigantic puddle. Before any of his subordinates had time to explain, he began yelling: "this is a disgrace! I'll discount this from your operative budgets! All you had to do was kill a few insects! Good Gaia…!" The scold went on accompanied by gesticulation seen only in orchestra directors.

"Well, another job well done!" Zack said. He removed one of his boots and began pouring water out of it.

"Just one question," Cissnei began while wringing her hair. "What was the flowerpot doing in front of the door?"

"Ah, I put it there so that no one could enter." In the back, Rude began gasping and coughing violently.

"Huh..." Cissnei said. "Zack… You _do_ know that the door opens inward, right?"

"What do you mean?"

* * *

Many years later, another vile creature awaited. Not blood sucking nor an insect, but equally deadly. A shape-shifting being that was readying the final steps of her world-ending plan: Jenova's Reunion was almost complete. Under the shape of her favorite child, her mind intertwined with Sephiroth's own, the alien creature looked at Cloud Strife and his party of oddball characters in the middle of an illusion brought forth by her telepathic abilities.

"But why Nibelheim? This is freaky, REALLY freaky!" Yuffie said, trying to appear brave, albeit she was discreetly hiding herself behind Vincent.

"But Tifa! Isn't this an illusion?" A robotic cat doll said from atop a giant white Moogle.

"This is an illusion Sephiroth made up. He's trying to confuse us," Cloud said reassuringly to his team. He turned to the fallen SOLDIER and yelled: "Even making me see those things won't affect me! I remember it all. The heat of the fire... The pain in my body!"

"Eww, what is that?" Tifa said from somewhere in the back.

Sephiroth lifted his arms to proclaim dramatically as he always did: "Is that so, Cloud? Five years ago you were constructed by Hojo, piece by piece.  
A puppet made up of–coghhh! Pt-pt-ptui!" Sephiroth stopped his ominous verbosities to swat wildly in front of him at the oversized mosquito. "Mother f-! Where are these coming from!? They've been chasing me for days now!"

Truly, the Reunion was complete.


End file.
